The military turn of phrase

Anyone who's ever spent any time around children can attest that kids make you say phrases out loud that you never could have imagined you'd utter. For example, "There's only one orifice on your body where you're allowed to put jelly beans, Billy, and that's your mouth," or, "Janie, if I have to tell you one more time to stop poking the cat in the eye with the egg beater you're going to be in a lot of trouble."

The military is a lot like that, especially the military in Europe. Every day, it seems, the most ridiculous things come out of my mouth, and the mouths of those around me - things no one who wasn't military or who lived in the states could ever possibly say in truth. Case in point: yesterday I was talking to Anthony and I told him that Matt was going to be in Qatar starting tomorrow on a pass, soaking up a little rest and relaxation for a few days. To Anthony, this opportunity presented to him a fabulous turn of phrase: "I've got a friend who's going to Qatar for Super Bowl Sunday." How stupendously ridiculous does that sound?

How about these :

"I'm going to have to find a new hair stylist. My old one is moving to Korea." (If you've never had a hair stylist you truly love move to the Far East, lemme tell you - it blows.)

"If I have to take another tour to Paris this month, I'll scream. I'm so sick of Paris." (If you've ever wondered how many times you can see the Eiffel Tower and still care, I have the answer - six times. That seventh time just makes you cranky and gives you a crick in your neck.)

"Lemme get this straight - if I want to have a dental cleaning, I have to show up next Tuesday at 7:00am and stand in line? Are you telling me I have to make an appointment to make an appointment?" (If you've ever tried to get dental care through the army in Europe, you know what I'm talking about.)

"I'd love to come to your Super Bowl party, but I won't be bringing anyone. My husband's going to Qatar for the Super Bowl this year." (Sorry, Anthony. I stole that one from you. Consider this your footnote.)

"Last week my husband banged himself up pretty badly when the muzzle of his M16 got caught in the spokes of his bicycle." (If there's anyone else that's happened to, I'll pay you a dollar. Not really.)